Mentoring Our Children In Mate Selection
I learned how to solve for x, how to change a tire, how to bake bread. I didn't learn anything about mate selection.
Both of my married sons have chosen excellent spouses—people of integrity whose values and hopes for the future mesh well with theirs. One of these couples got married this weekend, and it’s got me reflecting on how I was tutored in mate selection, which is to say Not At All.
I remember someone in my life—and I couldn’t tell you if it was my mom, one of my aunts, or one of my mom’s friends—told me never to marry a man who already had children. There would have also been the Catholic expectation that you don’t marry somebody who is divorced. And that would have been about it for my tutoring in mate selection.
My parents definitely had a sense of what skills they believed a person needs to learn in order to function properly as an adult human being. But mate selection, which we know, along with career selection, to be one of the most important determinants of life satisfaction really didn’t get any attention. I think so much changed in the 20th century, and has continued to change in the 21st, that some simple but essential heuristics around choosing a life partner have to be part of what parents offer their children to navigate the world. And as with all of these important things, it’s probably best to start introducing these ideas—age appropriately, of course—as early as possible.
I think the foundational idea here is that mate selection is something you do actively; it doesn’t just “happen” to you. Falling in love may be a good way to note who you are attracted to; but then there has to be discernment: Is this person lifelong partner material? Or not?
I consider this a work in progress, but here’s my stab at a list of considerations for mate selection:
1. Aligned Values. This requires an initial clarification of one’s own values. What are your essential non-negotiables? A hard-working person who believes in accumulating wealth over time may not be a good match for someone with a lottery mentality who thinks that his or her next business venture will always be the one where he or she hits it big. This is going to encompass questions of honesty, social reciprocity, and general integrity. It also needs to include an acknowledgement that not everyone holds good values, or will adopt them when exposed to them. I think you work with your children throughout their lives on this one by discussing the values your family cherishes and why; noting when other people in the community act with integrity, and commenting on that; and noting when people act without integrity or without good values, and commenting on that.
2. Finances. There really has to be congruence here, or it’s a setup for lifelong misery. Where are you at now? Is there a great imbalance, with one partner having spent many years saving and the other partner having spent everything they got their hands on? That’s a big Uh-oh. Where do you want to be financially in five years, in ten? Does that line up? Some people actually give no thought at all to this. If you’re a person who does, you want to run the other way if you find yourself in the company of someone who doesn’t. Is there an understanding that you incrementally work and save and grow wealth in order to support future generations and to be generous when friends and relatives need a hand? Or is there an ethic of take all you can from other people with no thought or inclination toward reciprocity?
3. Do you like his/her family? They say that you marry a whole family when you wed; I definitely believe that. You want to find yourself marrying into a group of people that celebrate and support you and the union, and share the values that you have clarified for yourself. You want that harmony and relational thickness that comes from good relationships between both families.
4. Do you feel that you are pulling in the same direction? Or is there continual disharmony and head butting? Life shouldn’t be a constant uphill battle, especially in your most intimate relationships. You should feel accepted, celebrated, and appreciated by the person you’re partnering with.
5. Does the person you are with make you feel proud—“I’m with him/her!”—or embarrassed? Do they “stretch the truth” for self-aggrandizement, or hold forth on topics they clearly know little about? Unless you’re the same way, this is going to be a constant irritant that will expand in significance over the years.
6. Are you doing all the heavy lifting conversationally, practically, financially? Or is there a shared sense of effort? If you have agreed to a division of labor, does it feel that everybody is both pulling his or her weight and appreciating the partner’s efforts?
7. Do things your partner says or does frequently raise red flags or leave you going “Uh-oh!”? No bueno.
8. Assume that what you see is what you get; there will be no major modification in behaviors or values. You are making an as-is purchase. Does this package still look good?
I think a lot of forces and situations can skew good discernment in mate selection. Feeling like you’re running out of time or options would be one. What I call the Inner Social Worker would be another. Women are more prone to this, but men can also have a treacherously assertive Inner Social Worker.
The Inner Social Worker feels sorry for people who are broken or who lacked certain advantages in their upbringing, and often believes that, with enough love and effort on the part of the Inner Social Worker, the disadvantaged person will change and embrace the values that the Inner Social Worker holds dear. This is misguided and dangerous; it’s just not going to happen. Remember #8 above: This is an as-is purchase. If it doesn’t look like a good deal in its current incarnation, it’s not.